Loneliness and depression are the two of my closest companions that have put me in a complex and three-way relationship with myself.
Some days, I get up in the morning and feel like I can do and achieve anything. But, the depression keeps on pinging me the things that can possibly go wrong during the day. I have no choice but to get out of bed and reach office on time. I have to look confident, even when a part of my heart knows that things are not okay.
I try to leave everything on the messy bed before leaving the room. The pillow that I have cried on and the empty beer bottle at the bedside, make me feel defeated.
I am afraid to look over-emotional nowadays, so I don’t talk to anyone with all my heart. I smile and laugh at stupid things. I have stopped sharing my feelings on social media to avoid being called emotional and sentimental. Some of my friends tell me not to worry about anything, some tell me that everything will be alright, some suggest me to move past the problems and carry on with life.
But they never understand that it’s not that easy to put away the things that cause depression, that worry you or drag you down. Sometimes I try to fool myself to feel better. I try to pretend with my loved ones that everything is on track. But sometimes I can’t control my anger because the heart feels damn so heavy to bear enough.
Sometimes I can’t fool myself. But I always want to be happy. I consistently try to fight this depression and loneliness. Sometimes, I win. Sometimes, they do.
Nowadays, I have realized that people don’t understand my depression and loneliness. I no longer blame them. To some of them, I might look over-reacting or dramatic. I am aware of that, but my heart knows that it’s not true.
I have also realized that people will never think I do. They will never go through my pain or understand why I smile without any reason. Regardless of the love that I give to another person, or how much deeper I let them enter into my heart, only I will know the entire story.
There are times when I actually take anti-depressants to get rid of depression and anxiety. I am not sick, neither do I feel cured. I live a normal life like everyone. I don’t want people to tell me to “BE STRONG”, because I would rather be HAPPY than STRONG. I don’t want people to tell me “DON’T WORRY”, because no matter how hard I try, I will always worry.
Sometimes, all I need is my loved ones to tell me that they will be there no matter what, that they love me, that they can handle my anger and my loneliness, and that they’ll never leave.
I don’t want people to get tired of me when they find that nothing can make me happy, or when they feel that I am being aggressive without any reason. I want them to understand that behind the dark cloud of my depression and loneliness, there is a simple and normal person who is kind, soft-hearted, wished to be loved, and tries to put a smile on his face and on other people’s.
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Today is one such day when I feel defeated against my loneliness and depression. I just hope writing these random things calms my brains down and helps me regain control. I know that everything is temporary, including this depression and loneliness. And I accept that. I know I’ll bounce back and wear the same smile in the morning before reaching the office.